Dating Dilemma

I’m 24 years old and I still haven’t seen dating the way I thought dreamed it was supposed to be. So, what the heck am I supposed to do?

Up until now I’ve only seen it done two ways:
1.) The Christian Way–date *only* if you believe this could be your future spouse for life.
2.) The Secular Way–date anyone you are attracted to, mess around for a bit, and eventually move on to the next partner.

Both pathways leave me disinterested and seriously considering nunhood.

I have no desire to marry anytime soon, but I also don’t want to be with multiple people. Is there a place in between?

Can I love someone honestly, faithfully, while maintaining boundaries and keeping myself ring free??

To be honest, there is a person of interest in my life, but I keep giving the poor guy whiplash the way I keep flip-flopping my mind. Pendulum-complex, going back and forth between ‘just friends’ and ‘more than’ because I’m scared of getting too serious and terrified of losing him entirely.

Deep down, I want to believe that the “in between” does exist, but I have no proof; I’ve never seen it done in a beautiful, healthy way.

And just like my question posed above, this post has no real conclusion.

 

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Heirlooms

I’ve received many things from my parents: photographs filtered sepia with age, body parts that I think are too big or hairy, a love of obnoxious belly laughter, occasionally money when they can afford it, all of which I’m thankfully for (yes, even those body parts).

However, there is a gift so delicate and dangerous that I wish they kept for themselves— ravenous craving for unrealistic love.

I refuse to tell you how many people I’ve fallen for out of embarrassment, but let’s just say I make sure my home is always stocked up with peroxide and bandages.

**I’ve been having a hard time writing complete posts lately, and this one is no different. Although it is unfinished I’m choosing to post it, I will periodically add to it as the feeling comes. Perhaps this is my attempt at processing.

Kismet

you weren’t supposed to come
like this:
heavy rain and sunshine
hot, sticky heat
and cool breeze
all confusion
in the midst of clarity

you weren’t supposed to come
under starlight and songs
conga and bass drum
moonlit bath on a
crisp winter night

you weren’t supposed to come
kind/calm/sincere/sensitive/attentive
with ears and a heart
twice the size of the sun
you were supposed to be the sun
all big and burning and boastful
all blaze with no concern
for delicate
grass/flowers/hands/me

you weren’t supposed to come
at all.
yet,
here you are
all sunshine/cool breeze/moonlit bath
big and burning and bright