Wanting Happiness

I used to mock the people who would request nothing but happiness from life.

Life is more than happiness, I’d retort.

But now I get it. I get the ache in my stomach at 4 o’clock in the morning, I taste the subtle bitterness in every inhale, notice how the sun, even on its brightest days, still looks dull.

I can’t mock the hunger for happiness anymore because it now eats away at me, bit by bit, from the inside out.

Currently, I work at an awful school, and I know what you’re thinking right now it could be worse, but for one moment how about we put away the Scale of Agony, because, yes, of course things could always be worse but that doesn’t necessarily make things better.

Usually I’m fragile with hate, only bringing it out for such evils as, racism, rape, senseless murder. However, it only took 8 months of chewing all of the nonsense here to finally spit it out: I hate this school.

Working here has sucked out all of the color of life overseas in this beautiful country, a country I begged God to come back to. Now I find myself more willing to leave than to work another day here. The students kept me afloat for a while, but now not even their smiles makes this dump worth it.

  1. I don’t like the administration and it’s scandalous acts.
  2. I don’t understand my students, especially not my homeroom.
  3. I don’t find joy in the subject I’m teaching. Like, at all. (Admin stuck me with a subject I never even applied for).

WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING HERE?

I’ll admit, I hastily agreed to taking this job. I came to Thailand originally as a volunteer teacher–I loved what I did. Total fulfillment–but when funds started to run out I guess I panicked. I wanted a job in the future, of course, that was my end goal, but I think I just took the crummy, alcoholic womanizer of schools instead of waiting for the special one.

(Okay, maybe that metaphor was weird, but you get me, right?)

It’s not at all about work itself, I love teaching… when it’s a subject that I actually enjoy and have experience in. I can handle hard work if there is fulfillment. Let me make myself clear, there is NO fulfillment here.

I’ve decided I cannot go another day over what I agreed to on my contract; I’m not going to return after May. I have another job lined up, but it’s only for the summer. Also, since I’m not going to re-sign the contract I will lose my visa.

I’m lost.

I need direction from the Lord because I know I’m not going to be in the center of His will if I just make a hasty decision out of fear again.

I just want happiness
like
that thing I felt
tingling around my
lips
when they curved
upwards,
a set of raised palms
thanking God
for
such
a
blessing.

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